When?

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Had myself another “Ah-Ha” moment today, definitely on a roll now!  Well, it sounds good if nothing else.

Part of my time management problem is that I have such a hard time getting moving and motivated early in the day.  Of course, being an insufferable night owl/insomniac doesn’t help, but it came to me today…I have nothing that I do that I look forward to to get moving for.  

Of course I have my guys, but that’s the same old thing that I do every day.  Make beds, wash laundry, pick dirty clothes up off the living room floor, pick up toilet paper that the dogs got hold of and have torn into tiny bits from the bathroom to the dining room to the bedroom, pick up trail of mail that my husband leaves from the front door table to the kitchen to the bedroom…you know, the same thing day after day gets to be not so fun after 20 years.  

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining and I know that’s exactly what it sounds like, guess my point is that after so many years and feeling unappreciated, the enjoyment has been sucked out of solely being a stay at home mom.  

Then it hits me, there are a few things that I’ve said I’d wanted to do since before Kirk and I got married that I’ve never been able to do.  The things that I’ve always said, someday I’ll be able to do that, someday when we have our own place, someday when the kids are older, someday when….I feel like I am constantly being put off for things that are more important to the others in the family.  

I was so excited when we bought this place almost 11 years ago.  We finally had our own home and we were out in the country and had an almost 100 year old farm house.  The place was covered with trees, I am a tree freak!  11 acres, barns, plenty of land for the livestock I’ve always hoped to have one day.  Plenty of room to garden.  Plenty of room for the kids to run and play and be farm kids.

Left the place one day with Kirk and the neighbor boys weeding out dead trees from the grove to the east of the house.  I came home to only 4 trees left out of about 100 to the east and south of the house.  Thankfully they hadn’t gotten to the west side of the house, mama called a big time halt to the project.  My husband isn’t a big fan of trees.  We had several huge old cotton trees along the fence line to the north of our land, yeah, they are gone too.  Pissed off!  Yeah, they were beautiful!

We have about 10 acres of pasture turned into several pens for the horses so they can be rotated throughout the warm weather months, each has a water hydrant.  One barn was taken down and another put up.  The last barn is going to be going down soon, we’ve just contracted to have a new one put up.  The barns did need it, they were in bad shape when we bought the place.  We have a roping arena.  

I have two small spaces that I had to beg for for a garden.  The horses are more important.  The one space I have to carry water to, there’s a hydrant there but had to be shut off because of a leak underground.  I really would be nice to have a working hydrant at the house.  I’ll just keep hauling water up from down the hill, it’s not like people have never had to do it before, I just figure, if we have one at every pen.

Now I am complaining….sorry.

Lastly, I’ve always wanted my own small cattle herd.  I’d LOVE to have Brahmans, but we are too far up north, too cold in the winter for them.  They are the most beautiful cattle!  Not an Angus fan, seems like everyone has them.  I’d love some Herefords and Brafords… they are beautiful.  I’ve mentioned raising roping cattle.  For years now I’ve been told to just wait, he’s working on it.  Starting to think that’s never going to happen.  

I’ve started saving some money, I’ve decided it’s now time to take things into my own hands.  We have plenty of land for what I’m wanting.  

I’ve dreamed for so many years of someday having an Old McDonald’s time of thing going on.  Kirk knew that when we got married.  

I’m no spring chicken anymore, I’ve hit 40, a couple years ago, I’m not getting any younger.  We have one kid in college and one left at home, and he’s 13.  Isn’t it about time that I get something that I’ve wanted for so long?  

I’m thinking of starting with, I don’t know, 1…that really isn’t asking for much, is it?  I’ve been waiting for almost 20 years for a horse of my own.  I’m a bit picky and haven’t liked any we’ve had enough to call my own.  We do have one now that I’m okay with and will do until the day THE ONE is found…yes, I’ve also decided that isn’t ever going to happen either.

I’ve wiped butts, picked up puke, cooked, cleaned and washed, run kids to dance, softball, baseball, t-ball, football, basketball, 4H, County Fair BS, teen dances, youth group and done horse chores while the old boy is out on the road both for work and rodeo and I’m good with that.  I always wanted to be a stay at home mom like my mom and I’m so happy that I have had that opportunity.  I’m just wondering now…when do I get my turn?  WOW, do I sound selfish…

If I would go out to get a job, Lord knows I don’t have any idea as to what I’d want to do.  No idea at what interests me.  I once had so many dreams and now I have no freaking idea…guess if nothing else, I did have another revelation today…I need to find that something that makes me want to get my ass moving each day.  Gives me something more to think about.

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