Way back when I was in high school and college and Kirk and I were talking about one day getting married and having the family and the house with the white picket fence, I thought I wanted a big family. Recall at one time thinking eight was a good number, and as a girl, of course I had all my names picked out.
Then reality hit! Kaet was born in 1994 and although the whole pregnancy thing went just fine, well, as long as no one touched my stomach, the whole being in labor and having her part was the most painful experience in my life, and if that wasn’t bad enough the nurses I had didn’t exactly have the best bed side manner.
I was one month short of turning 22 and had refused to go to lamaze because seriously, back in the day that just wasn’t done so I didn’t see it as a necessary thing and classes like that just weren’t something Kirk and I felt comfortable with. We were out in the middle of Nebraska, a five hour drive from home and we were on our own. It was scary and the nurses really didn’t give me any reason to be at ease.
After Kaet was born I decided that was it, we were going to be a one child family. There was no way in hell I was going to go through that hell again. Women who say that the pain is forgotten as soon as you see your child are just wrong, when I think back to giving birth I sure as hell can remember the pain!
We were good with one child, we lived so far from our family and friends and we traveled back and forth between Nebraska and Iowa that we just settled into life as an only child family and it worked for us. Never gave any thought to having another child. Well, I didn’t, Kirk would bring it up from time to time and tell me that he wouldn’t push it but he hoped one day I would change my mind.
Fast forward many years later and we were living a five hour drive up north into South Dakota. For some months before moving north there were the occasional thoughts of wanting another child that would pop up from time to time. I decided to say nothing and just give it six months before making such a big decision. I did however go off birth control and weaned myself off anti anxiety meds so that if the decision was made that at least I would have been off the medications for some time.
Went I brought it up to Kirk he was over the moon! He never said whether or not he’d ever given up hope for another child, but he did say that he was so happy that I had changed my mind.
It’s absolutely amazing how we never got in trouble when we were in high school or college, never went on birth control until after Kaet was born and I’m embarrassed to say that we didn’t use condoms, we used the shoot it on the floor method. We were really dumb kids! I was obviously a fertile Myrtle because it took only two months when we decided to try for the first and only one month when we decided to try for the second baby. We were really lucky kids!
After Bubba we decided that we were most certainly done having children. Kirk wanted to get fixed but I asked him to wait on the off chance we’d change out minds another six years later.
We moved back to Iowa a month before Leo turned two. Wasn’t but a year or two later I started thinking about maybe one more. As before, I didn’t say anything to Kirk, wanted to give it a number of months as before, not wanting to make any quick decisions with it being such a big one.
Shortly after Leo turned four my older brother got fixed and Kirk started talking about getting it done. I told him that I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted having the chance for one more to be taken off the table. He said he was done and that was that, he made the appointment and my little brother took him for his appointment, I refused because it was against what I wanted. Wasn’t but a couple months later when Kirk took my little brother to town to return the favor.
From time to time I get the feeling that we were supposed to have one more. It really gets to me sometimes. It gets at me that the decision was taken away from me. Wish I could explain the feel of feeling as though we didn’t have the third one we were destined to have.
Then four months ago I had to have a hysterectomy. At first it didn’t bother me, I’d already known it was impossible for us to another, but in time it has once again begun to bother me…in my gut I feel as though we were supposed to have one more.
Once upon a time I brought up adoption and that was shot down as was doing foster care.
Maybe it’s the whole getting older thing linked with the kids getting older. Don’t know. Maybe that’s why I’ve become the dog freak, we’ve only ever had one dog at a time until Leo was little and we did get a second…we are now up to three little minions, all chihuahuas. Three is definitely the limit! They are very needy little buggers. The kids get after me at times for treating them like kids but they need me. They can’t get their own food, let themselves out and so on. They also like to have constant attention. Guess they make me feel needed? Again, I don’t know.
Really hoping this isn’t the beginning of a mid-life crisis. My husband has been through two in the past 10 or so years and that was unbearable enough without having to go through it myself. It was hell!
Guess it’s about time to find something new and different in my life to fill this void that I’m feeling….