Monday 11. January 2015

Starting this year off at a crawl.  Not exactly what I was planning.  

Not a person to make resolutions for the new year…just something I’ve never done, it’s just not me.  

Over the past year there have been a number of family members and community members who have had health problems, those who are still struggling with their health and a few who have crossed the great river. Kirk and I have talked a bit over the past few months or so about how you just never know, health and life can be so fleeting.  

I’ve struggled myself, not really with my health, had a hysterectomy this past spring, wasn’t anything more than being like an old cow and things starting to fall out.  

My main struggle has been my unhappiness in the road I’ve gone down, taking too many wrong forks in the road.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m not UNHAPPY with/in my life, just unhappy with areas of what I’ve allowed myself to become.  

Not a person to say that I want to be like the person I was when I was in high school.  How many times do you hear people say that they want to be more like the person they were in high school or college?  I don’t say that. Those years are so few and it’s not realistic to look at those years, at least for me, and say that’s what I want to be like again.  Most of our lives are way beyond those handful of years.  

With that being said, there are certain ways I did things, certain ways that I lived my life, certain things that came so easy that now do not, that I would love to bring back into my life, or way of being.  Does that make sense?  

Would it be great to be built like I was when I was in high school or college, sure…I could stand to lose 50 pounds and I would be much happier with the image looking back at me from the mirror.  I know that weighing less doesn’t make a person “happier”, it’s not a big factor in whether a person is truly happy or not.  It would just be great to feel that confidence that comes with knowing I look better.    

When I was young I could decide to do something and it was easy peasy to get into whatever groove it was I was wanting to attain.  If I had a list of things that needed to be done, I would work at it until that list was done. I had a determination and a stick-to-it-ness that has gone the way of the wind.

With all of that being said, I decided in December that it was time to get my head out of my ass and stop with the…I’ll do it later routine.  I’d learn how to get tough on myself again and stop just BEING.  I need to step out of my comfort zone and participate more in an active lifestyle.  Sure doesn’t help that I like to be a hermit during the winter months.

However, my way of participating doesn’t mean just outside of the house.  I’m talking in every way there is.  My body, my mind, this house, my family, my friends.  How does a person MAKE themselves be outgoing and step up when they don’t punch a time clock?  It’s so easy to say, I’ll do it later today, I’ll do it tomorrow, ect.?  

I’m in a period in my life where I need to analyze myself and see who I want to be, what I want to be, this next stage.  Our oldest is in college, we have only one left at home and he’s in junior high.  We don’t have littles anymore.  Bubba doesn’t need me as much as he used to.  Kirk has his work.  

Think what it really is, is that I’ve lost myself somewhere along the way.  I no longer know who I really am.  Sure, I’m a wife, a mother and a daughter, those are important parts of my life…but I’ve put myself on the back burner so many years that I’ve lost me.  

Guess that’s what all this jibber jabber above really comes done to.  All these years I’ve put everyone ahead of myself, I no longer know who I am. I fell into that trap of allowing myself to lose myself along the road of life.

When I try to sit and really think about what I really want for myself, I can honestly say that I do not have a clue.  I’ve thought about going back to school.  When I’ve looked at the courses the local community college offers, nothing sounds the least bit interesting.  When I was looking recently I could feel myself getting anxious, not a good anxious.  

I love agriculture.  That’s how I was raised.  I love the farm, love farming. Kirk is a cattle buyer, he’s a roper.  He has no lost love for his life growing up on the family farm.  

Gardening is as close as I’m able to get to working with plants and the soil.  I so hate weeding, but I so love watching the plants grow and feel such a great pride and feeling of accomplishment when I bring in the garden each fall. 

I love cattle.  Growing up it wasn’t uncommon for me to walk through the cattle yards just for something to do.  I could sit in the feed bunks and just watch the cattle…on rare occasions, taking a lot of quiet time and determination I’d find a guy who once upon a time had been a hand raised calf that would eventually come up to me and let me pet them.  Always an amazing feeling!

I have a degree in agriculture from our local community college.  The only program available in our area.  I’d love to study agriculture further, but it’s not an option where we are.  There aren’t many jobs around here in that area for a woman.  Hell, it’s been over 20 years since I graduated from college, I’ve been so removed from cattle and crops that I don’t even remember a whole lot anymore.  

I would be so happy to have a few head of cattle to take care of.  A mini cow/calf setup.  It won’t happen, I’ve talked to Kirk about it many times over the years and he keeps telling me that I can do it, but it never happens.  He says he’ll look into the type of cattle I’m wanting, but it never happens.  I know I have to just take the initiative, look for what I want and save up the money to start with my first head.

I’m leery about getting more livestock because when we go on the road from April to October with Kirk’s rodeoing, I’d have to find someone to do chores, although we have to get someone to do the horse chores when we have to be gone a day or two.  

Never in my life have I ever had such a time making decisions.  When it comes to making daily decisions, family decisions, easy peasy.  This figuring out life directions thing is tough.  I’ll figure it out, but it’s not going to be easy, that is for sure.



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