Wednesday 14. December 2016

Tonight I am really struggling with being a good Christian.  It’s been going on for a number of days now, but since this afternoon’s text exchange with my daughter while she was at work, I’m really having a hard time.  So much so that I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to or message with her tonight.  I know I’m wrong, I’m being selfish…just don’t know how to work my way through this.  

Actually, this started last week.  Kaet messaged me a screen shot of a Go Fund Me Page that had been added to FB.  A family member who is going through some health issues, her husband’s sister made this page with the sum wanting to be raised of $15,000.  

The family member has been fighting with her health problems for a couple years or so.  She’s needing a kidney transplant and thankfully a there is a family member who is a match, they are going through all the additional tests that need to be done ahead of surgery.  She’s in tough shape but at the moment hasn’t gotten to the point of life or death.

The sister-in-law started this go fund me thing.  In the write up she stated that the family member with the health issue is in dire straights, worse than she actually is.  The husband is now having some major health issues and is going to need surgery and this whole song and dance.  His health issue isn’t near as bad as his wife’s, not life threatening.  The sister-in-law then added that both their children have autism and dyslexia.  They are very high functioning autistic.  One wouldn’t know either was autistic.  The oldest has a job at a preschool.  There are so many people out there with autism that have a much bigger struggle in life.

I guess our problem is that this family is always asking for a handout.  She works hard and he only works as hard as he has to.  It just seems like one more circumstance of what’s been going on for years.  His family has helped financially many times, her family has helped financially many times.  We feel that it’s become one of those round and around and around kind of things.  I can’t see the wife liking this go fund me thing.  She’s not a beggar.  

Like I said, I feel like a bad Christian…I should be giving and loving in this situation, but all I can think of is all the crap that’s gone on over the years.  The husband and the daughter have the, what are you going to do for me, kind of thought process.  It’s a struggle I’ve been trying to work through for about a week now.

Today Kaet told me that she was only going to have three days off for Christmas and pry won’t be coming home.  We lived out that way for years and many, many times we’d make a quick trip home for things like holidays, staying one night in Iowa before heading back out east.  She wants to make it fair with her boyfriend’s family.  They are such nice people and have done so much for Kaet, but I am feeling intense jealousy towards them right now.  She wants to make it fair.  She wasn’t home for either of our family Thanksgivings, she spent Thanksgiving with them.

I get it, she wants to spend Christmas with both sides, so that means she won’t be coming home at all.  She started laying it on making it sound like we should just drop all our responsibilities to run out west to her, that way she can do both families together.  I’ve said before, we have livestock that we can’t leave, especially with the weather we’ve been having, we can’t leave someone in charge of our livestock and something happen with the weather.  We’ve been on the other side of that where Kirk was doing cattle chores for friends on Christmas Eve and he wasn’t able to make it home for Christmas because he was snowed in 15 miles away at the friends home.

Like I said, it’s a struggle I’m really having a hard time with tonight.  She’s going to be 22 the day after Christmas, obviously we can’t tell her to come home for 24 hours.  We did it many times, but that was us.  She’s our only daughter. We’ve always been so close and I’m having a really hard time with her not being here at all this year.  The past two years she was at least able to come home for a week or two being she was still in college.  This is new and it’s hard.  

I’ll get through it, I always do.  This getting older thing really sucks sometimes.  Having the kids getting older really sucks too.  I don’t feel as important anymore.  Don’t feel like I’m needed or wanted so much.  I really need to go deep inside myself and find what my next step in life is.  What is it I need to do to feel of importance, like I’m something other than a maid and a person who’s supposed to jump when the family wants me to.  That’s not a way to live and be happy.


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