More Thinking on Life

I have returned, let’s see if I can stay on subject this time.  

By Freshman year I was becoming less dependant on the Toxic Friend…the summer before I told her that I wanted noting to do with her anymore, something clicked that gave me the strength to disconnect.

When the school year started we did reconnect on a level, we shared the same friends and she had control over them…when she said they couldn’t have anything to do with me, that’s just what they did.  Although I had friends in every clique in our small school, I didn’t really feel comfortable with the sports kids, cheerleaders or preppies, like I didn’t fit in enough to sit with them at lunch.  We had fewer than 200 kids in our entire high school, so it really was easy to know EVERYONE.  We grew further apart when she started dating guys who drove and I wasn’t allowed to even think about dating until I was a senior in high school or 18, whatever came last.  

In the 10th grade I started back to dance after a few years break when I hit those lazy ass middle school years.  Mom was working at the time and it was one less thing, so she was fine with it.  

Along with dance lessons, my PE teacher made a comment that would continue to form me….had something to do with lazy/no ambition to my TOXIC friend, whom made sure to tell me of the hurtful comment.

I chose to show him.  I stopped running the first five minutes of class with my PE buddies and focused on improving myself and was lapping the group by the end of the year.  I started working out at home and watching what I ate and working on making myself stronger not only physically but mentally, learning how to do what I needed to do in all areas, to tell myself no and not give in to the whole “but I want to” and “but I don’t want to” mindsets.  I started making to-do lists and sticking to them, was able to stick with that way of being well into my 20’s.  That is what I am working on bringing back to my life now. 

Just before Kaet turned three we moved back home from Nebraska, I went to work part-time because we needed me to financially.  Also we moved to a community where I met many friends, felt like a part of a community for the first time ever.  My to-do, can do mindset went by the wayside.  I became a social butterfly for the first time in my life and working out and sticking to my daily to-do lists went the way of the wind.  

I’ve never been able to get back to any kind of structure and I know that’s one of the things I’m strongly missing in my life.  Oh, I’ve tried over the years to straighten myself out, I’ve lost that mind stregth to tell myself no or that I have to do this although I don’t want to.  I’m working on it, I have to, I’m so not happy with where I am at this point in time.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I like myself, just not “happy” with myself.  

I have a good life, great family~although there are those handful I have a love…not so much, relationship with.  

I’ve been able to be a stay-at-home mom since Kaet was six.  I’ve enjoyed being able to be home with the kids, for the kids and their friends.  I’ve enjoyed being able to be free to drop and go have an afternoon lunch date with Kirk in the middle of the week or to an all day roping with the family in the middle of the summer.  I’ve truly been blessed.  

I’ve just allowed myself to let myself go, in so many ways.  I have very little structure in my life and that’s something I really need to work on.  There are so many things I want to accomplish, to learn and to be and it’s so easy to tell myself LATER.  I have to stop with the later, put my foot down with myself and get back to living a life where I feel like I am accomplishing something besides taking up space on this great planet.  

I need to get myself back to church, that always seems to help.  It’s making myself get my ass out of bed on Sunday morning.  I allow myself to shut off the alarm and say, next week.  I need to explore and figure out just what it is I want to do with my life outside of being a stay-at-home mom.  Part of me wants to go back to school, I love to learn.  I’ve looked at our local community college and none of the courses jump out at me.  Getting out of the house more and socializing would pry do wonders.  I tend to get into the hermit mode, especially during the winter months.  

There are hopefully a lot of years left in this old girl.  Needing to give myself a kick start and work on finding out just who I am now and hit the ground moving.  Guess we all hit these spots in our lives where we need to re-evaluate and make corrections in our lives to make us a better and happy person.  The hard part is figuring it all out!


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