Monday 20. November 2017

Walking through the mall yesterday afternoon brought on one of those sadnesses that thankfully doesn’t hit too often. 

The girl was born a month before I turned 22.  The pregnancy went really well, but the having her part was so horrible that I swore never again.  We were a good five hours away from family and I was so alone.  No one came to the hospital to see us until we were checking out 24 hours after K was born, a cattle buyer Old Boy worked with.  We have always said it was a good thing she was born on a day off work because Old Boy’s boss wouldn’t let him off work the day after, so I was literally alone the entire day after K was born. 

Six years later I changed my mind, Old Boy was happy because he wanted another but knew the having K part was so tough that he wasn’t going to push it. 

K and Bubba are seven years and one month apart in age.  I remember telling Old Boy that I’d changed my mind about having another when we were at the hospital, he told me it was a little too late to change my mind.  Thankfully, the boy was much easier than the girl, what a difference having a pleasant hospital staff makes. 

Old Boy chose to get fixed about five or six years later even though I was starting to think we should try for one more.  A few years ago I had a partial hysterectomy, so we are and have been done, done for quite some years now. 

There are times I get the strong feeling that we have a missing family member, like we were supposed to have three kids.

Walking through the mall yesterday I happened to see a couple teeny tiny brand new babies and it really made me sad.  I’m only 44 and my oldest is a month from turning 23 and my baby will be 16 a month after that.  I really feel there is someone missing, guessing that’s why I treat my Chihuahuas like kids.  Much to the irritation of my human children! 

Sadly, Our Girl, at this point in time feels no want to ever have a child that isn’t a dog.  She feels this world is too scary a place to bring a child into being.  I wonder how much of that decision has to do with the birth control method I implemented when she was 16 and I found she was being a normal 16 year old.  The last three years of high school I made her help with church youth group for pre-school through fifth graders.  Almost 30 yahoos wound tight after a full day of school, perfect birth control for any high schooler! 

Sometimes I wish, but I know it’s too late for me. 


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