Saturday 17. December 2016

Starting to look a lot like Christmas!  We have snow!  Not much, but enough that very little grass is showing.  We were lucky and didn’t get nailed overnight last night like was forcast.  

We do have massive cold here.  Supposed to hit 20 below overnight, not windshield factor.  The record is 19 below for tomorrow.  We are in the running to beat it.  Thankfully we’re supposed to get into the lower 20’s on Monday and the weatherman is talking 30’s most of the week, so there is hope!  We’ve had way too damned cold for a few days now. 

Kirk and Leo spent most of the afternoon with the horses in the shed, getting them set up as warm as possible.  We have five horses and four inside stalls, so they built a make shift one in the shed, went to town to get rubber mats being the only areas in the shed without cement are in the four stalls.  We hit maybe four degrees today, so Chili needed to be able to get inside as well.

The emotional part of the holidays has kicked in.  Last night I was doing some baking, Kirk came into the kitchen and asked just why I was baking so much.  The tears started in and that led me to sitting on my bathroom floor, bawling. Didn’t help that I was listening to Christmas music and missing the childhood Christmas’ with my cousins and aunts and uncles and my grandparents. 

I’m not adjusting to this change very well.  When Kaet was in junior high and in high school we always had kids in and out of the house.  Our house was one of the landing zones for Kaet and her friends and I loved it.  They wanted my cookies and treats, they wanted to sit and visit with me.  There were a few of the girls, Kaet included that would ask me to curl and do their hair for the Christmas programs.  I’m missing those days.

These days it’s quiet.  Bubba does his thing, Kirk does his thing.  They don’t get into the Christmas thing so much.  I can get Leo to help a little with the baking, a little.  

Doing much better today.  Was able to get quite a bit of my baking done.  Don’t know who I’ll be taking treats to.  Way back in the day (actually only a handful of years ago) we had some older folks I’d take treats to and would buy extra FFA fruit to take fruit baskets to this time of year.  Everyone is gone.  Ms. Margaret, Uncle Jamie, Gramma Max, Old Ma, they’ve all passed away.  Kirk’s folks, they’ve moved to Florida.  

I get it, times change…looks like I need to figure out where I belong in all this change.  Figure out the start to the new chapter.  Sucks!  I’ve never been good with change, I would love it if things stayed the same forever.  

Deep down, I know change is good and all will be good in the end, it’s just like poking around in the dark trying to find the light switch, once the switch is found all will be good!

Peace!

Wednesday 23. March 2016

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My girl is going to be home tomorrow!  Well, weather permitting.  She and her boyfriend were coming home today but winter weather hit.  We’d much rather they wait until the weather and the roads clear up than have them out in it.  When Kirk and I were their age and we had a newborn Kaet we traveled way too many times when we shouldn’t have just because we wanted to be home and didn’t have enough money to stop and rent a room when we realized we were hours away from where we were living or home and didn’t have the ability to stop until the weather lessened.  Best the kids learn from our mistakes. 

The Easter weekend is starting out cruddy.  Today we had crazy wind, the temperature dropped through the day and then the rain and hail made a visit.  We haven’t been nailed by the snow yet, we’re supped to have three to six inches by 7 am, six hours to go, we’ve had some sleet and enough snow to just cover the porch and sidewalk, really hoping that’s the brunt of it.  School is two hours late and instead of having an hour early hour out the kids now have to go until the regular out time.  (This is the first year our school district goes by hours instead of days) 

Hoping to get myself motivated to get some major work done tomorrow.  I’m more than a bit behind for the week.  Babysat two days and LOVED it!  Was fun to get a baby fix!  Kirk was around most of the day today and it’s hard to get motivated to do much along the lines of housework when people are home.  I know, excuses, excuses!  I’ve got a million of ’em! 

Tomorrow, or technically today, I’m thinking it’s going to be time to get going on making some sugar cut out cookies for Easter, haven’t made them in more than a year.  Promised my mom I’d make some tie-dyed cupcakes for her to take to the people who live at assisted living where she works.  Enjoy treating from time to time!  Haven’t had much of a chance to treat since I stopped helping with youth group at church a couple years ago. 

Today is day one of my working on slowly cutting down on my anxiety medicine.  I forwarned my husband that there may be times I won’t be a pleasure to be around.  Last time I did this, 16 or so years ago, he was driving truck and traveling buying cattle and wasn’t around for much of the withdrawls.  I’ve made out a plan on cutting down slowly, similar to the way I did it before, and pray that I really am ready to go without.  Thankfully I’ve learned how to deal with my anxiety from working with a therapist, honestly feel that she helped me just as much as the medicine did way back when I started this journey three years ago.  She taught me the tools as to what to do when I feel the intense anxiety begin. 

I am just so tired of being on a medicine to regulate my moods.  I’ve taken the tests from the doctor, depression is something I’ve never had a problem with, it’s my anxiety that I let get hold of me many moons ago and I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Looking back, being the baby of the family, I was always more or less sheltered from the world around me until the day I got married.  I grew up on a farm, went to school, took dance lessons and that was it, home, school, dance practice and home again.  We weren’t allowed to run town or go out and do if there wasn’t a reason.  Getting married and leaving home the next day, moving to another state a five hour drive from home, this girl didn’t know how to deal with an unsheltered life or bad decisions. 

I now feel I am ready to not be a zombie anymore, to have feelings and ambition again!  To join the human race again!  I’m now at the age where I don’t want to just be.  I went to college, raised kids and although there’s still one at home, I’ve come to realize there’s more out there than what I am doing and I honestly think that this medicine is holding me back, all I want to do is stay home in bed and read.  That’s not a life worth looking back on and saying, WOW!  I was really living! 

Now this Old Girl needs to shut down and think about getting ready to hit the sheets…night doesn’t last long enough for this Old Night Owl and morning comes way too soon! 

Peace!